Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
What happened to the other hiker??!
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.