Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of