Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.