Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here