Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”