Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.