Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

I fixed it. For me

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

This could’ve been an email.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”