They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
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Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Growing out my freckles.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.