Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*