Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
spot the difference
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Just a reminder, folks:
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Finally, a door that understands me
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]