Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.