“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
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‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
This is not me but this is me
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great