Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze