Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire