Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
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Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Can’t stop laughing
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Someone just threatened to call me later
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
choose your gary
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.