“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
You Might Also Like
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.