Easy enough.
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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Have kids, they said
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.