Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
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Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
I put the hot in psychotic.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.