Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.