Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

Zack Greinke stories are the best