“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
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Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.