@UnFitz

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

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@FatherWithTwins

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

@nyquills

Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.

Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@House_Feminist

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

@lukeplusone

It’s 2020 – you’d think they’d be able to make a year that doesn’t suck by now

@3sunzzz

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

@RdrJay47

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

@Darlainky

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”