Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.