Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
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TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Matthew was born for this.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
PLOT TWIST:
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”