Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
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the dark web is just a goth google.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Natty or not?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs