Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.