Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
You Might Also Like
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Good morning
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
