Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down