Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.