Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Meanwhile in Canada…

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.