Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

The French cow says MEUX…

Did I do this right

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

(Gaming support cat.)

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Just me and my debit card against the world

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.