You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.