Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

*looks at you in batman voice*

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

same bro

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people