Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died