Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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This made me chuckle.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?