Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
This checks out
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”