Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?