Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.

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Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!


Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?


“I feel like a failure, doc. I’ve got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets”
“Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I’ve ever seen!”


If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?


A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.


With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it’s pretty obvious that Americans don’t breed well in captivity.


“I dropped the ball”

– things you never wanna hear during a Vasectomy


DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that


WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*


My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.