@markleggett

Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.

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@rikpayne

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

@RunOldMan

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

@sofarrsogud

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

@A_Bit_Too_Rude

*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention*

*forgets where he left it*

@beefman138

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

@fivethirtyeight

Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.

@uhhmmily

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times