My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”