Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand