Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.