“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
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*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*