Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: