Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
This guy’s not having it 😆
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
happy friday
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”