Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Attacked by a mop.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I have no passwords left in me
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.