Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.