“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
This is my pinned tweet
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU