“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
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Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Social Media and Real life
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
how many bears make up a bear minimum
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.