“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
the dark web is just a goth google.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂