“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
bro what is going on at twitter
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins