Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

Great Canadian literature.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.