“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
You Might Also Like
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
lmao
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.