“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
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I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.