“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
You Might Also Like
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
awkward
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
#damn
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans