Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

You sure about that?

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO