Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?