“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.