“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
lmfao
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros