@2free2stylr

eat your friend’s toast but your enemy’s toaster

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@LizHackett

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

@EyalTweet

Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?

Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.

@Ruth_A_Buzzi

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

@DecantAndPour

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@FattMernandez

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

@schumoo

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

@Lisa_Laughs_

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”