eat your friend’s toast but your enemy’s toaster

You Might Also Like


Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.


Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?

Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.


A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”


I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.


If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.


I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.


I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy


Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”