If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”