Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
eat your friend’s toast but your enemy’s toaster
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Cop: Have you seen your neighbor recently?
Me: I’ve always had that brick wall in the pantry.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”