EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️