Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

How to make infinite energy.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.