EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
You Might Also Like
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
*orders delivery*
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
constantly working on myself.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)