EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes