Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Very good news from my accountant
The Backseat Boys
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Pigeon open mic night.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?