Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?