Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ