Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police