Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*eats only grass-fed donuts
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Not all heroes wear capes.